So many things!! or, My life for the last month in Facebook Posts

May 15:

Back from Self defence course!! SO AWESOME!!! We learned so much! I'm tired and ready for bed but still buzzing with all of the information and new abilities that I didn't even know I had!!

it was like Mixed Martial Arts for infants- just the very basics. Also? our instructor looked startlingly like 'The Dude'. He was definitely abiding.

 

very hands on, made me feel like acting like Insp. Clouseau all week!

 

 

 

 

Seriously. The man looked Just. Like. This. even talked like him (minus the foul language)

 

Wish we lived closer. I would pay lots of money just to learn Martial Arts from The Dude.

 

May 18:

and Don't call me Shirley.

 

I think this speaks for it's self.

 

 

May 19:

is so upset for a dear friend today. We love you Francis.

 

found out that a dear friend has discovered yet another tumor. She had had one discovered earlier this year nestled in her brain. It was removed and deemed malignant. YAY! Except now there is one they have discovered one on her spine. I have still not yet processed this information. I cannot begin to fathom how her family is processing it. She is the strongest woman I know.

 

 

May 24:

what happens when you to to Walmart in laundry day clothes?

you buy junk food. lots of it. (well, for us anyway)

we have been eating cookies and nachos. Fudge striped shortbread cookies... MMMmmmm


May 25:
There is a reason that Jack is our last child...



and if we hadn't all ready come to this decision because of medical reasons, I would have come to that conclusion today all on my own. I hate 2 year olds.

He's 2. And he's a boy. Dirt and danger swirl around him in a vortex of crazy. I love him. He drives me crazy. It's my job to civilize him and the hand him off to some sweet unsuspecting girl one day. This will complete the great plot of evil.


May 27:
Hopes to one day be as calm and genteel as Miss Manners. Either that or I'm going to move into the mountains and become a hermit and make wind chimes and paint and garden and never have to deal with other people. :c)


Favorite comments:

• I think I will join you in the mountains. I am done with people and society.

• those mountains are sounding pretty good right now...

• Miss Manners gets pretty snarky

• Miss Manners can bitch slap you in such a genteel way! Mountains sound pretty good...

May 28:
Amazing housekeeping fact # 35:

The garbage does not in fact remove itself. One must empty it periodically. Usually, this task is performed by the person most taken advantage of in the home.

I am tired of taking out the garbage. Seriously.



I am sick... so we're looking at Ashley's Greatest Hits. There are a few more things, but they are things that really deserve their own posts.
Those will roll out as I have time...

Day 11, When everything goes to crap.

I have not walked or done anything more arduous than laundry, dishes, and washing the dog this week. Why? Well first it was because I knew I had tons of housework to do and couldn't afford the giant energy suck of getting up before everyone to go push my body and then collapse in a puddle around 2:30. Also Mr. Evil and I have been up late the past  few nights just talking, chilling, and goofing off in general. 'CAUSE WE'RE JUST AWESOME LIKE THAT. YEAHHH!

I was supposed to do 'something' during those days to make up for my inactivity. Yeah. When you are in charge of more than just yourself, suddenly things like exercise get pushed to the bottom of the stack.

Then last night IT struck.

TMI ALERT

When I say IT struck I mean PMS, not

THIS:

Looks strangely familiar, this guy...

Hmm...

So anyway,  last night's bloaty, moody, WASP-y angst set in and now I have absolutely no desire to move for fear my uterus might fall out. Yayy!! Being a female sucks.

Today we are supposed to work in the garden, which will be some mild exercise. Mostly it will be Sort-of Sweating. Sort-of Sweating is what we do here in Florida. You see, the humidity here is not unlike the relative humidity found in a fish tank. You know the kind with fish living in it? Yeah. That's what it's like. And so your body has a kind of problem. See, we're supposed to sweat and that sweat is supposed to dry as the breeze blows against your skin, thus keeping you cool. Yeah. Here? You just end up with a real desire to shower every 10 minutes.

Florida is Moist.

"At my most badass, I make people want to take a shower."

-Moist, Dr. Horrible's Sing- Along Blog

Day 8 in which I admit a few things

To start off, I weighed in this morning

186 lbs.

I am satisfied with that. Real weight loss is a slow process of replacing fat mass for muscle mass, I don't expect big changes in my numbers. Anything that causes you to drop weight drastically is usually temporary.


A note on nutrition:
We have been transitioning into a healthier menu (more fresh, balanced fruits, veg, and grains) We barely eat heavily processed foods and work hard to control our portions. It's taken us about 2 years to get to where this is 'normal'. Most processed foods really mess up our digestive system now. It kind of sucks. We really cannot eat somewhere like Mc Donald's or Sonic without having some serious gastrointestinal issues. (read: We get the back door trots, ya'll, and it is BAD!) I am not complaining, it's just easy to forget that a freezer pizza will result in absolute misery for a few hours! The good news is that I have noticed that the simple fresh meals we tend to stick to are super easy on the clean up side. That makes me happy. Did I also mention that real food tastes amazing?!? Ya'll It does. I would take fresh food over a Big Mac any day of the week. (maybe not over Taco Bell, now... That's a different story.)
Bottom line? If you are wanting to drop weight, exercise can only take you so far if you are fueling your body with junk. Also: Please, PLEASE get your cholesterol and blood pressure checked! Keep an eye on these sneaky guys! If you are like me and have a solid family history of Diabetes, get that checked too, and keep an eye on it! For many of us it's not really an issue of IF but of WHEN. Good nutrition and exercise can hold it off and keep your body working right for longer. Do it Ya'll!!

That being said,
It's time for Confession...

Day 5 (Friday) I did not go walking, The Boy was up and down all night and when 6am rolled around there was No. Freaking. Way. BUT, I did do some aerobics and actually just ran in place to see how long I could go. I can jog for about the length of a Barenaked Ladies song. :c) Then I have to stop before my lungs revolt and decide to punish me. I can run again after a few minutes of crunches or stretches or something else that isn't running.

Day 6 (Saturday) The Girl had a birthday to go to and I had a million and a half things going on. No exercise was had this day... and I gorged like a fatty at CiCi Pizza. (those cinnamon rolls are yummy. Everything else? Blek.) Plus anywhere that yells at you when you do... um... anything? Yeah, probably not the healthiest place to eat. oh well ::shrug::

Day 7 (Sunday) We went to Ryan's parent's ward for Mother's day, which was really great. I got to see my 'extra' parents Dave and Sandy Rogers. It was almost like going home. :c)
BTW, I had a fantastic Mother's Day and again... gorged myself like a fatty... And I got a nap!!!
Hope all my Mommy buddies had a great day too. Happy 'I have a Uterus and You Don't' Day!!

Apparently, it is a choking hazard.

Take this information and use it however you wish.

On to Today, Day 8 (Monday)
Ya'll I cannot tell you how freaking proud I am of myself!!!
I jogged about 1/3 of my first lap making my time 10 minutes for my first lap
and then walked the second lap so I didn't pass out. 11 minutes. I am maintaining well, and that is good. :c)

Right now the kids are all piled up in the bed bouncing on Mr. Evil, I should probably stop them.

The only issue in my exercise is that I am ~DEAD~ by about 2pm. My body is still in 'energy suck' mode. I am still convincing it that exercise feels good and is a worthy thing. Eventually (probably when I drop a little weight and my body gets better at disposing fat) The suck will switch to a boost and I will feel great. I know it will happen... But I also think it's going to take some work. I all ready feel stronger and my double chin is less noticeable.

Day Four, In which I run a little and get the evil eye

First,

I have to say that My Mother's Day Present worked like a dream!!

Awesome.

 and the inch of Duct tape I put on my heel to cover my blister (suggested by Mr. Evil) was much more effective than I thought it would be!

Also...

I jogged a little. Overlard Cheeks and his minions The Thunder Twins were not pleased. And it felt awkward, and Poppy was kind of a spaz too. ("WTF? I have to run now too?") 

BUT... I shaved a minute off my time! it takes me 11 minutes to do a lap. We figure that the neighborhood is a little over a half mile, so I do two laps. I can walk a mile in 22 minutes. Not good, really, but improving.

So I have some interesting neighbors. By interesting I mean drug dealers and people who seem to enjoy getting into domestic 'events' that usually involve a Sheriff deputy or two.

Also, we have a large number of neighbors who have tiny, yippy dogs. They like to let everyone know we are around. Our neighbor's pug-thing only pees on EVERYTHING, but he doesn't bark. (I once caught him about to baptize the backpack I had just sat down by the car. ugh.)

So to give some back story, on the other arm of our U shaped road there is a man I like to call Grumpy Old Dude. About two years ago there was  little yippy dog running loose in my yard. (I was hugely pregnant at the time) It was friendly, but I didn't want poopies all over my front lawn so I caught him and took him back to (what I thought was) his home. Here I met Grumpy Old Dude. No, it wasn't his 'damn' dog... grumpy go away stare... as I stand there with a mangy dog, an adorable little girl, looking hugely pregnant, in the summer heat.

That's cool, you know, I mean maybe I interrupted something important, like the One Time This Year that the Missus Is Willing. I mean you know, I'd be grumpy too. We found the owner with the help of a friendly older lady. That is wholly unimportant to this morning's story.

So Poppy and I are walking in front of Grumpy Old Dude's house (after having just finished an awkward sprint... Note to self: Find a sports bra.) We walked by just as Grumpy Old Dude's Old Lady poked her head out to feed one of the 500 million cats that live in our neighborhood. As she opened the door, a chihuahua comes blasting off the porch and running at Poppy (we just kept walking and rather ignored the little nipper.) Suddenly, Grumpy Old Dude comes pushing out the screen door past his Old Lady to stand on his porch to glare at me in his red-shirt suspendered glory. As if his dog's poor behavior was my fault. *sigh*

I couldn't worry too much as I was dealing next with a dog I've dubbed Muffy, who is clearly jealous that Poppy is being walked and that she is not invited.

Also I am including a shout-out to my big sister who was beaned in the head by a hose coupler off of a fire truck on Tuesday!! It flew through her jeep's front window spraying glass everywhere and giving her a concussion, a very painful ear, and some bruises worthy of a biker bar brawl. I am glad you are alive, sis. She totally drove herself home and kept her cool.  Her wonderful RN buddy told her that a hit to the jugular = a trip to the emergency room. (Huh. Really?) She was awesome and I am so thankful she was there to get my big sister the attention she needed. (BTW- my sister is so awesome and cool. She totally kept her head the whole time by doing yoga, breathing, and counting. How awesome is she!?!?)

What starts with an 'F' and ends in 'UCK' ? Fire Truck!!! HAAAAA!!! HAAAaaaa... haaaaa...

come on you know it's funny.

so is this:

MMMM. Pop tarts...

Once, Twice, Three Times a ...Maybe?

Day Two Overview:

• Poppy didn't act like a kidnap victim (plus)
• She's still nervous about cars (minus)
• Got a blister (minus)
• Right calf was sore all day (neutral- expected event)
• I am a wiz at making rice bag microwave compresses (plus! my leg felt so much better!)

old washcloth microwaveable rice compress.

going to make another come winter and use them for foot/ bed warmers. MMMmmm...

Day Three came pretty early. We were up kind of late with E.G.'s awesome sibs who had come to chill for a while and then E.G. and I watched our Netflix-ed Two and a Half Men. (Can I just say... I LOVE NETFLIX!!!) and stayed up wayyyy to late. So when The Boy (My 2yr old son) woke me up at 4:45 I made the executive decision to can the 5:45 alarm and skip the walk this morning. BUT! I did not 'do nothing' and did do some push ups and crunches, and will probably do another set tonight for good measure. Plus it will let my blister heal a bit.

It turned out to be a sound decision because today I got my Mother's Day Present!!!

Check it out ya'll!!

That's right. This deserves an extra large pic :c)

Yeah Baby!!

These are an updated version of the pair of running shoes I had in college (scored for $15 at Sears when I worked there a hundred million years ago. I sold shoes. On commission. It was miserable, but valuable. I learned a WHOLE LOT on that first job) They were THE. BEST. SHOES. EVER.  And I was excited to find the next generation of the classic running shoe. I mean I wore those babies slap- out and held on to them even after it was clear their soles had departed. So thanks to my Dear Evil Genius and The Girl and The Boy. The Girl and The Boy were ever so patient with yours truly. BTW: The Sears shoe dept. just ain't what it used to be. I was super under impressed. I bought these babies at Penny's for about $40 (on sale ya'll geesh!) I know that sounds pricey (it does to me anyway, but I'm a tightwad.) But these? SO worth it!!

Tomorrow morning, we get moving again!

Day One

I got up at 5:45 this morning, after a steady stream of walking the dog in my sleep.
I am not sure how large our neighborhood is in a distance of miles, but I walked it at a good clip this morning (with Poppy who is apparently still afraid of cars... we'll have to work on that) I timed it on the second lap- 12 minutes :c)
See, it would probably hurt me to just break into a run (Fatty Patty might fly up and blacken my eyes for my trouble) so this week I will walk it at a good clip in the mornings to get my body used to moving again. Next week I will begin a slow jog burst in between walkings. after that feels okay (and after I find some decent jogging shoes... might be a few pay days, ya'll. All I have at the moment is an old pair of slightly large Chuck Taylors and a wonderful pair of chocolate colored Vans, great for awesomeness in general... not so suited for running.)

SO...
That being said it is time for WEIGH IN MONDAY!
YAY!

This is a potato... Kate takes pictures of the things she loves. It's usually pictures of the TV.

So this morning:  184.4 Lbs  (I am 5'3"... making me pretty pudgy, ya'll)
Walking the block : 12 minutes


If I can ever get the E.G. to help me out, There will be pictures soon.

I am feeling optimistic, though E.G. does not think I am dedicated because I have been using words like "I am going to try" and "well, my plan is..." but not sounding very confidant. How could I possibly sound confidant about something I have absolutely never done!?!? I thought I sounded confidant... Guess not.
I DO feel confidant though... um, and sweaty. Off to hit the shower and resume my duties as The Mother of All Things Awesome.

In a land where Fat and Glory collide...

A few things about me:

• I'm fat, ya'll.

• No, really.

• Back in school at my best I was a size 10 and 160 lbs. And that was probably because I spent hours in the Florida sun with about 15 lbs of drumming awesomeness strapped to me.

• I made it through college with out gaining much... Maybe 10 lbs, if that.

• Somewhere in there I found the Only Person On Earth That Understands My Jokes. He also has a brilliant Evil Mind. I was smitten. Seriously. The whole Evil Genius thing is my thing, ya'll.

• Rawr.

• We decided that it would be easier to rule and take over the world if there were more of us. We made two copies. The evil in this is so great that we have stopped making copies for fear that they will rise against us.

• Somewhere in there, I got my friend. I call her Fatty. She lives on my arms and according to a recent picture, she is threatening to eat my elbows. ::ew::

• Below Fatty, I have more friends. The Thunder Twins and their Overlard, Cheeks. They are now threatening a hostile takeover. This is not good ya'll.

So here's the thing:

I Hate Running.

No. Really.

I wouldn't run if you chased me (I'd shoot you. This IS the GunShine State.)

However, I have been in the business of conquering demons and have had a good deal of success as of late.

I am at risk for many awful things if I continue to let my friends grow. Things that will make me a very lame and uncool Mom. Dead is kind of lame and uncool.

The Evil Genius In My Life, Hence Known as E.G. will be changing schedules soon, allowing me a little free time in the morning to do battle.

I have thirty (30) days to make a difference before his schedule changes again.

The only way I can see myself making a real change is to actually suck it up and run.

The only problem is that I seem to need to have to be accountable to someone or I will not follow through. The only times I have really, really accomplished anything is when Someone is yelling at me. No, really. (I thought about stringing a recruiter along in this quest, Decided against it. It would be kinda unethical to lie...) SO, I plan to let this blog chronicle my Epic Battle. Tomorrow, I will take pictures. Don't worry. I understand that (in the words of E.G.'s awesome aunt whom I have adopted as my very own) "No One wants to see that shit."